I Am Woman

Taking a day off to deal with all that I have shared. I am so blessed to have friends to talk to, and a very wise friend helped me put the last few days in perspective. Now it's time to sing and dance and free the soul for a while. Always remember,

The Continued Story of Betrayal...

Well, my eyes are open, my mouth is running and my brain is functioning. The whole world can do what ever it wants to do this morning. I woke up to an empty house and a fresh pot of coffee. As soon as the music is on my little slice of heaven will be as complete as it's going to get for the day.

And now to continue littering the road with rubbish from the past....that's right, as it flows from the mind it becomes rubbish, garbage. Garbage better left in the rubble of the past. We are moving forward without it.Slowly rising a little higher from it. Letting go a little at a time. And with each piece of rubbish, with every spoken, typed or written memory we lessen the burden on our soul. We can walk right past it into a brave, new and happy tomorrow.

So now back to letting go of the biggest betrayals we have faced in life (there will always be little ones, those will be much easier to handle when we have released the biggest and baddest of all them Mo'fos.

Yesterday I spoke of parental betrayal. Today it moves to the third major betrayal of my life. The day God betrayed me ( still haven't decided if this was good or bad, but it hurt like hell and then some).

I had moved South, taken a job on a ranch, met the most gorgeous cowboy I had ever seen. I was 18 and in love. Unfortunately I had never been warned about cowboys and women (by the way...NEVER trust a bull rider, fuckers are so full of shit it should ooze from them). Enticed by the natural beauty of the cliffs hanging so high above the river, so serene under the clear beautiful sky of a full moon, at the close of day one of a  wondrous 5 day trail ride I accepted his promise to love me forever.

 Six months after that......I didn't have him, nor did I have the son he gave me. God had taken the one thing that no one could ever take from me......my child. Betrayed by God and Man, I was lost. I spent 3 days sitting at my baby's grave. I had to move or die with him. I took one box ( I didn't own any luggage) with as much as I could carry for clothing and personals. I took $70 (my weeks wages from the ranch) and got on a bus and headed north. No idea where I was going to end up, didn't care. Just needed to walk away and make a new future.

Told you betrayal comes in many forms. Believe me now?

And now for the last of the 4 major betrayals of my life. This one is the most current and the one I have not been able to cast off. I know how, I just have not been able to. I think I know why, but we will explore that as we get to it. Maybe I will have an epiphany while I am sharing this experience. 

Heheh, epiphany.....there's a funny little word. Means you just turned on the imaginary light bulb over your head. And that means your brain is in perfect working order, right?

And they think I'm crazy? Pfftt!

We all have that one best friend right? The one person you trust more than anyone else in the world? The one who will always be there no matter what. 

I had one of those too. Notice the word "had", it has meaning for this portion of my life.
Ever been depressed, sad or just out of sorts about unexplained feelings? You always have that one best friend, the one you trust with your life. 

Sooooo....what happens when you need them most and they abuse that need for their own purposes? I will tell you what happens. You lose them. You lose your own sense of self worth. You fall to your knees in a heap, knowing you are broken and will never be whole again. And after a while you get up and start to move again, slowly. Ever so cautiously. And if you really, really want to try to fix the broken trust, you talk to the person who hurt you. You pour your heart and soul out to them. Sometimes it works and they see the error of their ways and sometimes they give you a blank look, the look that says "You think I was wrong for doing that?" . And sometimes they honestly don't believe they did anything wrong. At that point it is best to just walk away. 

I didn't. I tried to tell myself it was okay. I tried to hang on to the trust, I blamed myself. I was betraying myself yet again.

It just happens that when I lost a family member that I had just recently reconnected with, forgave, and learned to love the new and improved him. Was my father. My reformed father who came to me to beg my forgiveness of the life he wasn't able to give me. He begged me to forgive his alcoholic rages that nearly killed me. Went spent 3 months together working through 40 years of hell. 

And then he died.

I lost again......It was tough. I admit I didn't handle it well. I spent 4 months with ear buds in my ears listening the sound of his voice through the music he recorded. I spent 4 months drinking myself to a state of numbness every day. My best friend of 20 years was there for me through it all. Every single day and night he tried to reach me, to no avail. After 4 months he decided it was time for me to move forward. He wanted the old me back. The me who gave him every part of me with all I had. The me who never denied him, the me who wanted to give myself heart, soul and body to him. When I told him I wasn't ready my mind and heart wasn't ready to give just yet, he hung his head and brought me another beer. I could see the defeat in his eyes, I simply couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. I drank myself to that strangely, eerie place where you are basically passed out. Basically, your body won't move, your eyes are closed, a state of physical paralysis.....but the brain seems to be fully aware. You can hear, you can think. You can not speak, nor move. Not a blissful place, but that is where I was. 

And he knew what he wanted me to give, he knew I wasn't ready to give. So he took, and took, and took. My brain was screaming, begging for him to stop. My body refused to fight back. And when I thought it was over, he took more. He took my soul, he wadded it up into a tiny little ball and tossed it like it was rubbish. The next day, I confronted him. That went well....NOT. There was nothing wrong with what had happened. I belonged to him. He had every right. 

Defeat.....I was drained. I was depressed. I was alone with my thoughts. I was sure I was crazy. So I tried, again and again to tell myself it was okay, I was over reacting because of the abuse I grew up with. I told myself everyday it was okay. I tried to give. I forced myself to give, in reality there was nothing there to give but tears. Every time I gave my body, I also gave tears. Tears that meant nothing to anyone but me.  
     The first time I lost my soul, the second time my heart, but the third time......What is it they say?  Third time is a charm......The third time I took it all back. That's right. I took myself back, took my trust back and took my love back. I locked all that worthless shit up deep inside, never to be released again.

That was 3 years ago. I have never given since, not have I allowed anything to be taken from me. And I have not and can not forgive nor forget. Maybe someday, but not today and probably not tomorrow. I will get beyond it someday, someway....maybe through this blog, maybe not. 

Betrayed by the one you trust the most......is there anything worse in life. Yes, yes there is. But that is for another day. 

Adios my friends and keep your chin up.....we all have worth, we all have will, and together we will all continue on with a happy, full and productive life....

Rising From the Rubble

Betrayal

The people in my life that know me best, know that from day to day you can't assume what you will get from me. Each morning when I awake my mind kind of makes a decision on the attitude of the day.

     Open my eyes after a night of restless slept and it's like, "Hey Bitch, Fuck You! If I can't sleep your not having a good day! Just wait and see how bad things can get."
     Or some days it's like " Wow, that was a sweet dream, I think we will be all nicey nice today and go out of our way to be all happy til we make everyone around us puke from the sweetness of it all." 
     There are even mornings when it's like, "Hey...not ready to open the eyes...make me open the eyes and I eviscerate all spoken words for the day, I will force your mouth shut so hard that you better hope you ain't got no boogers or you gonna suffocate and die!" 
Yea, my mind has  a mind of it's own like that....And stop calling me bi-polar.....the damn doctors won't give me meds for it, so I ain't got it!!

Sooo, now we have established that you just never know what you may get from me each day. S'PRIZE!!


I want to start touching on a few subjects that need my heart and mind felt attention so for the next few posts I think I will be working on betrayal. Where does it start, when does it end, is it really as serious as I feel it is or am I over reacting to a typical human action?
The first time I remember the fear of being betrayed, I was 15 years old. More on that later (Not ready to put the words out there yet)


Betrayal. A word. An emotion. An action.

Betrayal, the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations.

There are many types of betrayal. Betrayal of trust, spousal betrayal, privacy, lies and theft are all types of betrayal and each type has branches the spread out into many directions like the little veins inside a leaf. The tree of betrayal has roots that run so deep and wide spread that it is like a disease, no....more like a plague, with no end in sight and no cure.


To me, the worst betrayal I have ever known is my betrayal of myself. It wasn't conscious. It wasn't intentional. But it was just as devastating.

I put myself in harms way. Many times.

I trusted people known for being untrustworthy.

I put too much emphasis on "blood" and less on "character."

My dream for the "perfect future" clouded my present-time judgement.

I ignored my intuition.

I set knowledge aside in favor of folly.

I substituted someone else's judgement for my own.

I viewed the world through "rose-colored" glasses.

I operated in the world as "I would like things to be" and not "as they are."

I extended myself far beyond my limits, emotionally and spiritually.

I took things personally.

I believed in the destination more than the process.

When I was happy I gave thanks to the Divine; when I was in need I took matters into my own hands.


My first remembrance of being betrayed was, as I said, when I was 15. My mother got mad at my sister and I and ultimately called my father (in another state) and told him if he didn't come get us that day,she was sending us to a state home. She was done with daughters. It just happened to be my dad's birthday that day. Yes, he made the drive and took us home with him. He had just been gifted two teenage girls.

Ages 15 and 16 we moved from city population 200,000+ to town population under 500. And there is that humor that life tends to sneak in on you. 

My second remembrance of betrayal was to come only 6 months later, also at the hands of a parent.
My father worked out of town all week and drank all weekend. My sister hated being outside in the country and I hated being inside the house. Thus, she was the house maid and I the stable boy, gardener, hired hand for room and board, etc. If it was outside, it was my responsibility. He came home one weekend and went to the barn and called me out to watch me ride the 2 year horse he started breaking and never finished. I ask him saddle or bareback? I was feeling pretty cocky, I knew I had broken that App pony to ride, did it myself! She belonged to me whether he knew it or not.That's right Bitch!! I'd been riding every morning and every night to get this animal ready....My father was so adamant about how proud he was of me, how great a job I did with his livestock, his dogs, his garden.....I felt like I was on a pedestal, someone was proud of me, someone loves me! My heart soared!! And then he touched my cheek, very softly, and told me what a beautiful woman I had grown up to be. He touched me and talked to me with the hand and the voice of a man with a woman... when all I wanted was to hear a father talk to a daughter. 
SLAM!!!! Flying off the pedestal. Crashing to the ground. 

One didn't want me.....one did.

The stab of betrayal........

Out of the Darkness

Life, Humor. Do they belong together in the same sentence? For some they do and for others those two words are worlds apart. And of course there are always those who look around when ask a question like "who me? Are you asking me?" and give you such a look of astonishment that you know there is no way in Hell they have any concept of what either of those two words mean or how they could ever be connected. (Their life, your humor?)

Life,that period of time between birth and death or the act of living, maybe even that little something that sucks every teeny tiny ounce of will from your body? Yea, you know what that ones about don't cha?
Life can sometimes make you feel like the bug in a rug being sucked up by the incessant pull of the vacuum sweeper, not swept away but completely pulled and stretched beyond normal physical limitations.

Living? Is it a day by day survival or an act of enjoyment? Not really the word I call my acts of enjoyment.....Kinda like the phrase "Being Fucked", it's all in how you think of it. Pleasure or Not?

Humor, is it something that makes you double over in laughter, the faculty of expressing the amusing or comical? Or is it rather a verb, as to adapt or accommodate oneself to, to comply with the humor or mood of someone in order to soothe or make content or more agreeable?


It seems that somehow, if we look hard enough we will always be able to find humor and life walking hand in hand.(Usually in a dark alley somewhere) Possibly one fucking the other We may each see it differently, some may see nothing but positive and others of us will see the ironically dark side of life and humor.

I used to see only the dark side, now as I have gotten older matured, I am learning to see both sides. Learning to LOOK for both sides and any other angles I can come up with. 

As I walk through the day to day aspect of life, I will endeavor to "live" it. As I find things to laugh about, I will also look for the ironically humorous. 

Deep As The Ocean. As High As The Sky. That is how I see life and humor. Interchangeable, Adaptable, Different for each of us. 

My goal is to unravel the dark days and nights of my life by infusing a bit of light and humor in each bit of it. Join me, Leave me, or simply kiss my ass wish me luck.

Enjoy, leave a little feedback and see if we can overcome the darkness by living in the joy and lightheartedness of laughter. 

If you have anything you would like to share, please feel free to contact me as a guest writer.