Betrayal

The people in my life that know me best, know that from day to day you can't assume what you will get from me. Each morning when I awake my mind kind of makes a decision on the attitude of the day.

     Open my eyes after a night of restless slept and it's like, "Hey Bitch, Fuck You! If I can't sleep your not having a good day! Just wait and see how bad things can get."
     Or some days it's like " Wow, that was a sweet dream, I think we will be all nicey nice today and go out of our way to be all happy til we make everyone around us puke from the sweetness of it all." 
     There are even mornings when it's like, "Hey...not ready to open the eyes...make me open the eyes and I eviscerate all spoken words for the day, I will force your mouth shut so hard that you better hope you ain't got no boogers or you gonna suffocate and die!" 
Yea, my mind has  a mind of it's own like that....And stop calling me bi-polar.....the damn doctors won't give me meds for it, so I ain't got it!!

Sooo, now we have established that you just never know what you may get from me each day. S'PRIZE!!


I want to start touching on a few subjects that need my heart and mind felt attention so for the next few posts I think I will be working on betrayal. Where does it start, when does it end, is it really as serious as I feel it is or am I over reacting to a typical human action?
The first time I remember the fear of being betrayed, I was 15 years old. More on that later (Not ready to put the words out there yet)


Betrayal. A word. An emotion. An action.

Betrayal, the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations.

There are many types of betrayal. Betrayal of trust, spousal betrayal, privacy, lies and theft are all types of betrayal and each type has branches the spread out into many directions like the little veins inside a leaf. The tree of betrayal has roots that run so deep and wide spread that it is like a disease, no....more like a plague, with no end in sight and no cure.


To me, the worst betrayal I have ever known is my betrayal of myself. It wasn't conscious. It wasn't intentional. But it was just as devastating.

I put myself in harms way. Many times.

I trusted people known for being untrustworthy.

I put too much emphasis on "blood" and less on "character."

My dream for the "perfect future" clouded my present-time judgement.

I ignored my intuition.

I set knowledge aside in favor of folly.

I substituted someone else's judgement for my own.

I viewed the world through "rose-colored" glasses.

I operated in the world as "I would like things to be" and not "as they are."

I extended myself far beyond my limits, emotionally and spiritually.

I took things personally.

I believed in the destination more than the process.

When I was happy I gave thanks to the Divine; when I was in need I took matters into my own hands.


My first remembrance of being betrayed was, as I said, when I was 15. My mother got mad at my sister and I and ultimately called my father (in another state) and told him if he didn't come get us that day,she was sending us to a state home. She was done with daughters. It just happened to be my dad's birthday that day. Yes, he made the drive and took us home with him. He had just been gifted two teenage girls.

Ages 15 and 16 we moved from city population 200,000+ to town population under 500. And there is that humor that life tends to sneak in on you. 

My second remembrance of betrayal was to come only 6 months later, also at the hands of a parent.
My father worked out of town all week and drank all weekend. My sister hated being outside in the country and I hated being inside the house. Thus, she was the house maid and I the stable boy, gardener, hired hand for room and board, etc. If it was outside, it was my responsibility. He came home one weekend and went to the barn and called me out to watch me ride the 2 year horse he started breaking and never finished. I ask him saddle or bareback? I was feeling pretty cocky, I knew I had broken that App pony to ride, did it myself! She belonged to me whether he knew it or not.That's right Bitch!! I'd been riding every morning and every night to get this animal ready....My father was so adamant about how proud he was of me, how great a job I did with his livestock, his dogs, his garden.....I felt like I was on a pedestal, someone was proud of me, someone loves me! My heart soared!! And then he touched my cheek, very softly, and told me what a beautiful woman I had grown up to be. He touched me and talked to me with the hand and the voice of a man with a woman... when all I wanted was to hear a father talk to a daughter. 
SLAM!!!! Flying off the pedestal. Crashing to the ground. 

One didn't want me.....one did.

The stab of betrayal........