The Continued Story of Betrayal...

Well, my eyes are open, my mouth is running and my brain is functioning. The whole world can do what ever it wants to do this morning. I woke up to an empty house and a fresh pot of coffee. As soon as the music is on my little slice of heaven will be as complete as it's going to get for the day.

And now to continue littering the road with rubbish from the past....that's right, as it flows from the mind it becomes rubbish, garbage. Garbage better left in the rubble of the past. We are moving forward without it.Slowly rising a little higher from it. Letting go a little at a time. And with each piece of rubbish, with every spoken, typed or written memory we lessen the burden on our soul. We can walk right past it into a brave, new and happy tomorrow.

So now back to letting go of the biggest betrayals we have faced in life (there will always be little ones, those will be much easier to handle when we have released the biggest and baddest of all them Mo'fos.

Yesterday I spoke of parental betrayal. Today it moves to the third major betrayal of my life. The day God betrayed me ( still haven't decided if this was good or bad, but it hurt like hell and then some).

I had moved South, taken a job on a ranch, met the most gorgeous cowboy I had ever seen. I was 18 and in love. Unfortunately I had never been warned about cowboys and women (by the way...NEVER trust a bull rider, fuckers are so full of shit it should ooze from them). Enticed by the natural beauty of the cliffs hanging so high above the river, so serene under the clear beautiful sky of a full moon, at the close of day one of a  wondrous 5 day trail ride I accepted his promise to love me forever.

 Six months after that......I didn't have him, nor did I have the son he gave me. God had taken the one thing that no one could ever take from me......my child. Betrayed by God and Man, I was lost. I spent 3 days sitting at my baby's grave. I had to move or die with him. I took one box ( I didn't own any luggage) with as much as I could carry for clothing and personals. I took $70 (my weeks wages from the ranch) and got on a bus and headed north. No idea where I was going to end up, didn't care. Just needed to walk away and make a new future.

Told you betrayal comes in many forms. Believe me now?

And now for the last of the 4 major betrayals of my life. This one is the most current and the one I have not been able to cast off. I know how, I just have not been able to. I think I know why, but we will explore that as we get to it. Maybe I will have an epiphany while I am sharing this experience. 

Heheh, epiphany.....there's a funny little word. Means you just turned on the imaginary light bulb over your head. And that means your brain is in perfect working order, right?

And they think I'm crazy? Pfftt!

We all have that one best friend right? The one person you trust more than anyone else in the world? The one who will always be there no matter what. 

I had one of those too. Notice the word "had", it has meaning for this portion of my life.
Ever been depressed, sad or just out of sorts about unexplained feelings? You always have that one best friend, the one you trust with your life. 

Sooooo....what happens when you need them most and they abuse that need for their own purposes? I will tell you what happens. You lose them. You lose your own sense of self worth. You fall to your knees in a heap, knowing you are broken and will never be whole again. And after a while you get up and start to move again, slowly. Ever so cautiously. And if you really, really want to try to fix the broken trust, you talk to the person who hurt you. You pour your heart and soul out to them. Sometimes it works and they see the error of their ways and sometimes they give you a blank look, the look that says "You think I was wrong for doing that?" . And sometimes they honestly don't believe they did anything wrong. At that point it is best to just walk away. 

I didn't. I tried to tell myself it was okay. I tried to hang on to the trust, I blamed myself. I was betraying myself yet again.

It just happens that when I lost a family member that I had just recently reconnected with, forgave, and learned to love the new and improved him. Was my father. My reformed father who came to me to beg my forgiveness of the life he wasn't able to give me. He begged me to forgive his alcoholic rages that nearly killed me. Went spent 3 months together working through 40 years of hell. 

And then he died.

I lost again......It was tough. I admit I didn't handle it well. I spent 4 months with ear buds in my ears listening the sound of his voice through the music he recorded. I spent 4 months drinking myself to a state of numbness every day. My best friend of 20 years was there for me through it all. Every single day and night he tried to reach me, to no avail. After 4 months he decided it was time for me to move forward. He wanted the old me back. The me who gave him every part of me with all I had. The me who never denied him, the me who wanted to give myself heart, soul and body to him. When I told him I wasn't ready my mind and heart wasn't ready to give just yet, he hung his head and brought me another beer. I could see the defeat in his eyes, I simply couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. I drank myself to that strangely, eerie place where you are basically passed out. Basically, your body won't move, your eyes are closed, a state of physical paralysis.....but the brain seems to be fully aware. You can hear, you can think. You can not speak, nor move. Not a blissful place, but that is where I was. 

And he knew what he wanted me to give, he knew I wasn't ready to give. So he took, and took, and took. My brain was screaming, begging for him to stop. My body refused to fight back. And when I thought it was over, he took more. He took my soul, he wadded it up into a tiny little ball and tossed it like it was rubbish. The next day, I confronted him. That went well....NOT. There was nothing wrong with what had happened. I belonged to him. He had every right. 

Defeat.....I was drained. I was depressed. I was alone with my thoughts. I was sure I was crazy. So I tried, again and again to tell myself it was okay, I was over reacting because of the abuse I grew up with. I told myself everyday it was okay. I tried to give. I forced myself to give, in reality there was nothing there to give but tears. Every time I gave my body, I also gave tears. Tears that meant nothing to anyone but me.  
     The first time I lost my soul, the second time my heart, but the third time......What is it they say?  Third time is a charm......The third time I took it all back. That's right. I took myself back, took my trust back and took my love back. I locked all that worthless shit up deep inside, never to be released again.

That was 3 years ago. I have never given since, not have I allowed anything to be taken from me. And I have not and can not forgive nor forget. Maybe someday, but not today and probably not tomorrow. I will get beyond it someday, someway....maybe through this blog, maybe not. 

Betrayed by the one you trust the most......is there anything worse in life. Yes, yes there is. But that is for another day. 

Adios my friends and keep your chin up.....we all have worth, we all have will, and together we will all continue on with a happy, full and productive life....

Rising From the Rubble